The February Doldrums

Dear Gma,

Is January Mid-Winter? If so, that means i only have two more months of the winter doldrums :) I cannot complain though because winter seems wimpy here compared to Alaska, and the winter Alaskans find themselves in this year would
probably have been the end of jim and me. I feel kind of like a giant accident happened on the freeway and we were the last car through before the pile-up. Feeling very lucky to have kicked ourselves out of there when we did; altho, i miss my Alaskalite buddies more than i can say. Thank God for Skype and for e-mail. Certainly not like when you and i had to wait a week, or more, with the old snail mail. I kind of miss letters in the mail though. Most ppl have no idea about the intimacy of personal letters back and forth when people took time out to write to just you. Then, they invested in a stamp; went to the post office; then they smiled when they reached in their mailbox and saw that you answered. I loved our letters back and forth that began when i was in college. I never would have known about letters without you though, so thanks for that Gma of mine :)

This is always a tough time of year for me. I have known several Februaries when i just flew through them, but precious few. Yes, i know it is only January but i am already dreaming about Suzie and wishing i could touch her, and wondering what she looks like now, and if she ever thinks about us or if she can see us; and does she really watch over her brothers like they think she does? The death of my child, for me, always seems fresh, or so it has been for the past thirty-six years. Isn't it odd how something can seem like an eternity ago, but also feel as raw as if it happened yesterday? Such is life though and very doable with the Lord who can give reason to all the tragic episodes of life, if we but trust Him.

Depression has never been part of my make-up. Remember how you used to call me Little Bonnie Foo Foo happily hopping along seeing nothing but the Gma Frieda flowers in your garden? Never paid attention to the weeds; just loved the mystery of it all, amazed that my Gma Frieda could fill my world with such happy colors. I am either happy, sad, or mad: no lukewarm for me i guess. So when the winter doldrums hit me i kind of don't know what to do with them. So i am writing you, like in days of old, and hoping maybe it will help me pass through this next month. a bit more peacefully.

Maybe i will get back to writing my life story. Probably not the best time to be writing about Suzie, but then maybe it will calm me, maybe reassure me that God still guides and protects me and shows up when i most need Him. However, I keep looking at my notes from way back then. I just cannot bring myself to delve into it all yet.

And, how can i write about my walk through my past valley when i feel like am in another over something as inane as this upcoming election? I need to stop, remember, and believe that God knows our danger, loves us still no matter the mess we have gotten ourselves into, and will be with us if we but humble ourselves and pray. I sometimes feel like i do not trust God and i wonder why when He has been so faithful to me. But then i remember that my daughter did not get healed on this earth, and though i KNOW the love He poured on our family throughout all of that, i also know she died, and that i miss her every day.

My conflictive feelings seem to cause this un-productive self-analysis at this time of year. Like i said, I wonder if maybe i really just do not trust God the Father, but it can't be that. It must be more like i might not like His answer, and i just do not want to go through hard stuff even though it means i get to walk much closer with my friend, Jesus. This thing with the country is out of my control too and that is always disconcerting. I pray, and i know i need to repent and be on my knees, but i am not so sure the majority of the rest of the country sees our immorality, nor do they care. I find this a heavy weight on me and just what does God expects of me personally? He told me in Wasilla, " Plant a garden!" So, i moved and so I am :)

During past times of great stress i learned those ragged times buoyed up my faith because God proved to me that i am not a fool to believe in Him. Coming through a really tough situation and emerging victoriously has to be the ultimate high. When i can love and not hate; trust and not fear, laugh and let go i count that as emerging victoriously. You would think after walking through several valleys i would recognize when i am in one, but i never do. It usually takes me a few days and then i open my Bible and re-find my path.

When i get negative, people like you, dear Gma, lift me up and encourage me as i remember your advice, your loving care of me and my soul. You used to show up in letter form in the mailbox, but now somebody calls out of the blue, somebody drops in. Somebody sends me a joke that strikes me so funny i get a good belly laugh. It all helps me to stop looking at life so introspectively. You always said not to dwell on stuff i can do nothing about. sigh.... I'm trying : (

Today i read an article in Newsmax, a daily online newspaper, and there i found encouragement.... it encouraged me that i am not alone in my fears about the country. It seems that out of every three people, two of us fear the present president being reelected. Oddly that calmed me. I was listening to Rush Limbaugh the other morning, mostly because I cannot get Dennis Prager here in Montana. I like Rush because he sends me into hysterical laughter, and i love to laugh. I know that sounds odd but he really is very funny, especially his commercials. The other morning he said to stop listening to the negative stuff about the election. He said it will all turn out fine and not to believe everything we hear. I did not expect to find encouragement from this curmudgeon but he says to just trust the American people. Don't listen to the media. I don't remember hearing him say to trust God, but when you can laugh at the goings on these days, and he seems to, you must be trusting that God will raise up a leader to get us out of this horrific mess. Anyway he was an unlikely source for encouragement, and though i seldom listen to him, i did the other morning, and it encouraged me to perk up and look up.


February for me probably means i should find a project, play more music, walk that treadmill more, go find my girl friends at the Knitting Table, Maybe paint a room or two, lay carpet, chop wood, remodel the whole house, or shovel tons of snow. DO; don't just sit and think. Hey, i should buy a gun and learn to shoot it!!!!!!!!! I have been wanting to do that ever since the cougar began prowling around here. But will they give a gun to a semi-depressed old white-haired woman? Will i have to take a psych test? maybe better not mention the depression stuff. :) I love the felting project i am doing right now, but i think too much while knitting, so will change my tactics and get more physical. It's a long time till February 25th.

Right now, my February Blues don't really fit into any category. I don't know where to put them. I just miss my girl. I just plain want to touch her.... smell her.... hold her.... kiss her hair... touch her freckles... heavy sigh

I know you understand. Thanks for loving me through it all Gma. You know i am fine. As Timothy tells me, " I know in whom i have believed, and am persuaded that He is able to guard that which i have committed unto Him until that day"... that day when i see Him, and her, and you, face to face. All is well and as it should be. It's just a looooong February this year.

You know i love you
your jackie ann aka *j*